Too Young To Die: Grief – Why Grief is Complicated Business
‘Grief is the price we pay for love.’ – Dr Colin Murray Parkes
The grief when someone dies young often feels impossible to name. It’s not just sadness, its disbelief, anger, rage, emptiness, sometimes guilt – all tangled together. This can make grief feel confusing. Grief is not linear, sometimes you might feel better, even almost ok again, only to find yourself back in the deep messy feelings of grief wondering if there is something wrong with you.
The pain of things you won’t see them do, the milestones they won’t reach, no longer being able to share your own successes. Perhaps they were the person you would have gone to for support and advice and now the person you want to talk to about your grief is no longer here. You are left holding that ache in a world that keeps on moving.
When someone older dies, society knows better what to say ‘they had a good innings‘ or ‘a good life.’ When life ends early language often fails, people don’t know what to say and might stay silent, leaving you feeling more alone.
If you have experienced this kind of loss other peoples reaction can be hard to manage. Perhaps they say ‘ they wouldn’t want you to be sad’ or ‘at least they are not in pain anymore. ‘ Well meaning but maybe not unhelpful, which can leave you feeling misunderstood and a sense of being disconnected from others.
If you are grieving someone who died young and it feels like no one really sees what you are holding you’re not alone. Your grief is real and you don’t need to justify your sadness. You don’t need permission to still be affected. Some losses don’t necessarily shrink with time but they do become easier to manage and live alongside, especially when we give ourselves the space to speak the unspeakable.
Whether your grief feels complicated, invisible, recent or many years ago, seeking counselling for grief can help you find a space to heal and make sense of what you are feeling. Counselling doesn’t give you answers. It doesn’t fix grief but it can offer a space to talk or not to talk, a way to process painful thoughts without fear of judgement, somewhere to explore all your feelings and permission to not have to be ok.
I offer compassionate support, helping you navigate this difficult journey in a safe and understanding environment. You are welcome to contact me anytime if you are interested in how therapy can help you. I offer a free initial 50 minute session and I would be happy to hear from you.
Rebecca Noorian – Psychodynamic Counsellor and Therapist based in St Albans, Hertfordshire.